Fog
I wrote a whole other post that was super long just talking about how shitty I feel but frankly rereading it made me sick lol. Coping is the mechanism in which we as sentient creatures use to process our trauma. Most people deal with their emotions or find some method that works for them. Then there are others like me who need outside sources to numb the brand in their head. Any time I ask someone what I should do about my coping mechanism there are two answers I get. One involves professional help and the other is usually some form of "just stop lol" which is certainly an answer. Its a self inflicted curse that I just, have to deal with. But the point is that its my choice how. Professional help in theory is great but in my experience it just doesnt work sometimes. "oh you need to engage with it!" "you need to want to get better" ok but what if I don't? Why is the burden on me to fix my issues for you? I know its a problem and it really only affects me. Why do you care? The flipside is that i care too much. I have so little self worth and esteem that frankly I have thought about just deactivating all my socials and just leaving all together. I have warped my brain in such a way that I cant even do simple tasks without being explicitly told to by someone who I see as having authority over me. This is just a long ramble but i hope you can read it and understand me a bit better. Seeing yourself is important and knowing your flaws is also important, but sometimes you need to just not care.